dear march

ok, fine, if you're going to rain, just get it over with now. I don't want to see this crap in July.

Kind wishes,
Jess

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also, hm. I might sew some decoy rabbits to a black dress for tomorrow evening. i just hope there aren't any hunters that show up at the fez. ooh that reminds me I need to see if I can find some color fuji peel apart film..this may be tricky as lately im having difficulty finding it in the photo shoppes and im not sure why....black and white is always there but not the color..and it looks really good.. if not though, 'tis ok.

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also, my usage of text emoticons displaying the 'happy face' has soared recently. id like to state that while this is extremely unfamiliar territory, it's extremely welcome. and nice. I think I've missed out on some things. and the bonus part is that most of the time I end up then smiling IRL. haha, yeah I typed that. but really. see?

:)

ok time to get sushi, I'm treating myself! Thanks tax returns! You were way smaller than I thought!

let me see you stripped down to the bone

i remember playing depeche mode's 'stripped' everytime I got in sight of a keyboard. been listening to it rather obsessively lately, particularly the 'highland mix' version as its a bit darker, slower, and in a sense, romantic as hell, or at least it conjures up those feelings for me. as well as much minimal 1980s synth from france, and it goes without saying, kraftwerk has made a huuuuuuge comeback in my little cd player and record player lately, and that my dears is a very good sign im relatively happy.

also, GODDAMNIT, someone has posted a 4x5 burke and james monorail camera w/ lens AND polaroid 545 back on craigslist for $150.00. They are up the road in lexington. this is very cheap. right before I checked the ol' camera listings, I dropped some money on the new monochromatic film + more fadetoblack film PLUS maybe more polaroid chocolate film, I can't remember if I threw that in there... how impulsive, as usual. I have sold some things on ebay that made more money than I thought, so its sort of like....its just getting recycled. however, this makes traveling a little more difficult.

other nice things are happening too. ive been dancing a lot more lately. and shooting polaroids every day, and walking around late at night, and catching myself smiling a lot more.

ok. back to work and checking on the live owl box web cam feed.

"I rejoice that there are owls. Let them do the idiotic and maniacal hooting for men. It is a sound admirably suited to swamps and twilight woods which no day illustrates, suggesting a vast and underdeveloped nature which men have not recognized. They represent the stark twilight and unsatisfied thoughts which all [men] have." - henry david thoreau

also, im really looking forward to thee fez tonight. lately i feel like a moth who REALLY finds itself immersed in those red lights... it seems those lights are serving better guidance than the moon. also, the company of some particularly intriguing people.

i haven't really written much of note lately so here's a brief bit before I meet up with a couple friends.

i have a favorite phrase. or maybe it's a part of one. "when you least expect it".

i took photos, obtained 2 cameras, fished through life magazine for a long time, spent $6.00 on amazing postcards, sent the russians to sneak up on the german forces but that one didn't work out too well so instead I flew a kite that I keep in my car for times like that when I'm again by myself, trekked up to providence, found something rad at the fucking goth store, trekked to the apartment where there was a lot of kids here, threw a lot of stuff in my hair, off to tt the bears and watch a strange crowd. dj chris ewen did play depeche mode which i enjoyed and that other 80s tune thats REALLY good and I cant remember the name. also lady gaga which again, I still don't get.... later a dear friend and I watched a cat circle around the block a bunch. he guards this particular part of cambridge.

spring is off to a really nice start. Im getting out more. the desire to be around people, particularly those I care about or moreso wish to see a lot more is surprisingly high, unlike last spring/summer, which was fantastic but acceptingly lone-wolf. hm.

ok, i need to eat something and call my cat.

"I have spit my pitch gum out of my mouth onto her walls and floors and sometimes onto her booths."

Episode 28, Log Lady Introduction:

(Holding log directly in front of her, instead of the usual position cradled in her arms.)

"A log is a portion of a tree. (Turning end of log to camera.) At the end of acrosscut log--many of you know this--there are rings. Each ring represents one year in the life of the tree. How long it takes to grow a tree!

"I don't mind telling you some things. Many things I, I mustn't say. Just notice that my fireplace is boarded up. (She glances over her right shoulder at the fireplace and the camera moves over to it, where we see the opening covered by plywood.) There will never be a fire there.

"On the mantelpiece, in that jar, are some of the ashes of my husband. (Camera pans up to the mantel where we see a vase, a pipe stand, and some old pictures--none recognizable.)

(Camera pans down to Log Lady.) "My log hears things I cannot hear. But my log tells me about the sounds, about the new words. Even though it has stopped growing larger, my log is aware."

yes yes yes

mars

my little scottish spy here. im going through mars withdrawl! but fortunately my camera is here and it still has video and photos of her. she's the bestest.

pet shop boys and rocky and bullwinkle

WOW is today nice out! i made a b-day/KittenDay card for a rad pal in the ct territory, out of the centerfold photo of a cat fancy magazine...yeah thats right, Cat Fancy has centerfolds and THEY ARE HOTTER THAN NAKED WOMEN IN MAGAZINES. I'm eventually going to turn the whole magazine into an extended card and mailed it out. went to the wildlife refuge on my break and photo'd things and am immersed in the pet shop boys as I research photos of things that are actually pretty rad...like shrews!!!! they are rodent-y and much cuter than gunshot wounds with lots of brains, which I've just gotten so accustomed to.

damn. apparently moscow is one of the most expensive cities to travel to. that might be on the backburner.

this weekend was fun too. i experienced videodrome at the common ground in allston on saturday night and had SO much fun! i took a whole roll of photos with the russian camera just of the television screens showing the weirdest, most hilarious 80s footage i have ever seen. thank you to john for sending word about this! earlier, i got trained on a new owl to handle. that was fun. its fun to hold things that way a 1/4 of a pound. thats like a hamburger with feathers, tallons, and a beak.

also yesterday i saw very rad friends from my high school who are the type that will make you laugh until it hurts. funny how most in my grade sucked but those 3 or 4 years older much cooler. anyway, part of yesterday's theme involved what's called chatroulette. i had heard of this recently but basically i was created from a 17 year old in russia. Woah. like aim but video chatting with random people and just clicking 'next' a lot because a lot of it is super gross but when yr with a group of older, stupid boys and 1 cat, its great. this is all parts hilarious, terrifying, gross, and just fucking bizarre. definitely an evening of being completely dumb, typing like you're a 14 year old girl, and seeing a lot of male junk from other people's video feeds.
will did most of the typing, which meant the average time someone talked to us either through typing or speaking was 10 seconds. so.good.

this is us being retarded:


and this is ralf from kraftwerk:

a recap.

all will be ok I think. indeed, and to give me some credit here, i was a little overdue for a miniature breakdown.


update: i have the apartment to m'self and although it would be a good time to clean my room im gonna just watch twilight zone and get a good night sleep. i went down to providence after work (3rd time in a row this week!) to get dinner with stu, his girlfriend and their friend meg. it was a lot of fun and anxiety seemed to fade away. stu has a terrific sense of humor so its a blast to hang out and hear about him eating stuff from trashcans in vancouver and being part of the whole olympics thing, except operating puppets and dressing in crazy costumes and masks. we went to this place, espara (?) that I had been to once before with a former boyfriend and BOY is it good. not eatnig for a couple days besides tea and animal crackers and this was great. its a cambodian asian restaurant that's in the shittiest part of the west side of providence, which i really need to come and photograph some of the signs down there....they're amazing! anyway. then i checked my email and got a really nice message from the krautrock night. its a nice reminder that friends are good to have. so anyway. aside from feeling a bit like....extremely breakable glass...here's hoping this weekend is good... im gonna attack the east bay bike path.

disclaimer.

left to one's own thoughts that start to spin in a territory the likes of which I haven't seen in well over a year, combined with noticing the car in the other lane coming into mine head on as if to kiss my car going well over the speed limit, well, things burst in my brain yesterday. welcome to my ability to self-destruct and trying not to all at once.

such has occured this evening. some nerves went off. i wished I wasn't in a car. didn't want to go home, which lately i don't want to go to anyway, so i went to providence to just calm down. drank something that on wikipedia i read used to be "an aphrodisiac for hogs". brilliant. schwarzhogg or whatever it was called, mixed with something else....this probably wasn't such a good plan. evening was nice + jef bought me dinner which was very kind.... and for the most part I started feeling better but around 1:00ish am it hit again and I just disappeared down the stairs into my car, already noticing something wet and salty hurting on the eylids. somehow ive gotten home using a steering wheel a gas pedal and a brake pedal. i walked in front of a car and nearly got hit making it the 2nd time tonight ive almost gotten severely hurt.

so-what the fuck does this mean, you ask? That is a valid question. its no ones fault. i just realize from time to time that i am certainly a lone wolf in this big crowd. and while this has been more than acceptable and certainly over the last year I've come to almost weirdly admire such independence and finding love in the company of car trips to antiques in old buildings, for example, im just going to state for the record that right now i sure could use to be taken under the wing of......human company. polaroids, birds, kittens, and the threat of atomic warfare can only do so much.
and again, as dearly as I value doing my own strange little alone-person dance which I have been more than accustomed to, really for years.... eh.. ill stop. it'd be much easier to explain some things by explaining 2005-2010 but that could take a while and I don't think anyone is interested in that boat.


yeah.


again. profuse apologies all around. im pretty sure I'll come out of this little trench momentarily.

but.. almost getting into a head on car collision and suddenly i had things to say as if i were writing a will. im not sure what the connection is. i should sleep and go fuck myself despite the fact that if anyone were to tell me ]its ok' i'd feel...fine....or better...but at this hour that won't happen.

computer love.