disclaimer.

left to one's own thoughts that start to spin in a territory the likes of which I haven't seen in well over a year, combined with noticing the car in the other lane coming into mine head on as if to kiss my car going well over the speed limit, well, things burst in my brain yesterday. welcome to my ability to self-destruct and trying not to all at once.

such has occured this evening. some nerves went off. i wished I wasn't in a car. didn't want to go home, which lately i don't want to go to anyway, so i went to providence to just calm down. drank something that on wikipedia i read used to be "an aphrodisiac for hogs". brilliant. schwarzhogg or whatever it was called, mixed with something else....this probably wasn't such a good plan. evening was nice + jef bought me dinner which was very kind.... and for the most part I started feeling better but around 1:00ish am it hit again and I just disappeared down the stairs into my car, already noticing something wet and salty hurting on the eylids. somehow ive gotten home using a steering wheel a gas pedal and a brake pedal. i walked in front of a car and nearly got hit making it the 2nd time tonight ive almost gotten severely hurt.

so-what the fuck does this mean, you ask? That is a valid question. its no ones fault. i just realize from time to time that i am certainly a lone wolf in this big crowd. and while this has been more than acceptable and certainly over the last year I've come to almost weirdly admire such independence and finding love in the company of car trips to antiques in old buildings, for example, im just going to state for the record that right now i sure could use to be taken under the wing of......human company. polaroids, birds, kittens, and the threat of atomic warfare can only do so much.
and again, as dearly as I value doing my own strange little alone-person dance which I have been more than accustomed to, really for years.... eh.. ill stop. it'd be much easier to explain some things by explaining 2005-2010 but that could take a while and I don't think anyone is interested in that boat.


yeah.


again. profuse apologies all around. im pretty sure I'll come out of this little trench momentarily.

but.. almost getting into a head on car collision and suddenly i had things to say as if i were writing a will. im not sure what the connection is. i should sleep and go fuck myself despite the fact that if anyone were to tell me ]its ok' i'd feel...fine....or better...but at this hour that won't happen.

computer love.